I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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