We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
