your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
