Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
