I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
