just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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