I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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