Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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