nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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