I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
