I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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