she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
