We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
