How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?