What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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