Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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