there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
