I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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