i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
