I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
