I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
