defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
