I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
