when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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