The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just found puke in my bra..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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