walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
