dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?