So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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