i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
