I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
