Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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