i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
