can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
