You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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