if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you mean i was at the winter classic?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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