at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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