Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
