And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
