proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
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I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am naked and annoyed.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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