Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
