Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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