i dedicated my morning wood to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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