If that was your dad, he is hot
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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