I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
