i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
