Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
