You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
