Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
