did you get engaged???
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
