Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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