Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
