I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
