no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
